Custody Relinquishment

A System Unraveling

Parenthood is often described as the ultimate act of love, a lifelong commitment to nurture, protect, and guide a child into adulthood. But what happens when love, no matter how deep, is not enough? For some parents, the heartbreaking decision to file for relief of custody is born not from a lack of care, but from an overwhelming sense of inadequacy and despair. This growing trend reflects the complex pressures faced by modern families and calls for greater understanding and systemic support.

Over the past decade, I’ve had the privilege and burden of serving as an assistant principal at three schools in two different districts here in Southern California. Although not a parent myself, it’s a role that has brought me face-to-face with the profound struggles of modern parenthood. Year after year, I’ve witnessed desperate parents sitting in my office, often in tears, begging for help. “Please,” they plead, “do something to fix my child.” These parents are not indifferent or uncaring; they are overwhelmed, bewildered, and utterly unprepared to manage their child’s behavior.

We are hurtling toward an unmanageable crisis. Some parents, increasingly unequipped to handle the responsibilities of raising children, are confronting a society that often enables misbehavior under the guise of a need for children to “express themselves”. Meanwhile, the education and legal systems are compounding the problem, offering few meaningful solutions to struggling families. As a result, a growing number of parents are making the heartbreaking decision to relinquish custody of their children—a trend that is as alarming as it is revealing¹.

Investigations have revealed that in numerous states, parents are compelled to surrender custody to access necessary mental health care for their children. A joint investigation by Type Investigations and Reveal in March 2019 found that such cases occur in 44 states, including 26 with statutes or policies intended to prevent this practice.

In Connecticut, for example, the Department of Children and Families (DCF) introduced the Voluntary Care Management (VCM) program to address this issue. The VCM program offers a pathway for parents to access state-funded mental health services without enrolling in a DCF program that could result in their children being placed in foster care. This initiative aims to eliminate the need for parents to relinquish custody to obtain necessary care for their children.

Depending on Schools

Schools were once seen as a partnership with parents, reinforcing societal norms, accountability, and respect. Today, they are bound by restrictive regulations and litigious environments that make meaningful behavior modification very difficult and resource consuming. Disciplinary actions that once served as corrective measures—such as suspensions, detentions, or expulsions—are now heavily scrutinized or outright banned.

While well-intentioned, these policies have left many schools feckless in their ability to enforce boundaries or hold students accountable for their actions. Misbehavior is often met with toothless responses: restorative conversations that lack follow-through, behavior contracts that students ignore, and interventions that place the burden on already overstretched teachers. For students testing limits or already entrenched in harmful behavior patterns, these systems send a clear message: consequences are minimal, and boundaries are negotiable.

Parents are left to bear the brunt of this failure. When schools can no longer serve as a meaningful partner in behavior management, the full weight of responsibility falls on families—many of whom are already struggling with financial, emotional, or systemic challenges. The result is an escalating trend of parents seeking relief of custody, not out of neglect, but out of sheer desperation. These parents are not abandoning their children; they are seeking help in the only way the system allows, even if it means relinquishing their rights as caregivers.

The Growing Trend of Custody Relinquishment

For most families, the choice is stark: keep custody and watch their child spiral further out of control or relinquish their rights to secure the intervention their child desperately needs.

The root causes of this crisis are multifaceted but interconnected:

1. Regulated to Ineffectiveness: Some schools are shackled by policies that sometimes prioritize appearances over outcomes. Fear of lawsuits, public backlash, or violating strict guidelines means administrators are sometimes unable to implement the kind of firm, consistent discipline that once helped shape student behavior.

2. A Society That Excuses Misbehavior: The broader culture celebrates rebellion and dismisses authority, sending mixed messages to children about acceptable behavior. Social media and entertainment amplify these messages, glorifying defiance while minimizing accountability.

3. Inadequate Support Systems: Parents seeking help often find themselves navigating a labyrinth of unresponsive or underfunded systems. From mental health services with long waitlists to social programs with restrictive eligibility, the support they need is either inaccessible or ineffective.

4. Economic Pressures: Financial insecurity compounds the issue, leaving parents with fewer resources to address behavioral challenges or access private services that might help.

The Emotional and Systemic Toll

The decision to relinquish custody is devastating for parents. It is an act of last resort, made with heavy hearts and tearful eyes. These parents are not failing their children—they are being failed by a system that offers no meaningful alternatives. Schools, stripped of their disciplinary authority, cannot help. Social services, overburdened and underfunded, cannot keep up. The result is a cascade of failures, with families and children caught in the middle.

For schools, the toll is also significant. The inability to address behavior effectively undermines the learning environment, disrupts classrooms, and erodes teacher morale. For children, the consequences are even graver. Without clear boundaries or interventions, they lose the chance to learn accountability and self-regulation—skills essential for success in adulthood.

We must restore society’s ability to enforce discipline, expand access to critical services, and rebuild the norms that guide children toward positive behavior. Only then can we create a system where no parent feels forced to make the heartbreaking choice to relinquish custody—and every child has the opportunity to thrive.

1. Type Investigations and Reveal (2019). This investigation highlights how parents in 44 U.S. states often relinquish custody to secure necessary mental health care for their children. Despite statutes in some states to prevent this, the practice persists due to systemic gaps in mental health support.

Source: Type Investigations - Custody Relinquishment for Mental Health Care