Monologue

The Hydranet, Decapitated (hilarity from Krapopolis on Hulu)

…and so the Hydra left Krapopolis and the citizens remained disconnected enough to be reasonably happy. After a while, they noticed that all of the Hydra's severed decomposing heads were putting their health at risk and unsettling their children, so they gathered the heads and set them on fire in the center of town. The smoke from that fire rose to the heavens where it became known as Cancer; but not the disease, the constellation—a group of stars shaped like a crab, not the seafood, the pubic lice.

And so it was that when the Princess of Argos gave the Linnaean Prince directions to her evening quarters and told him to follow the crab shape, the Prince became lost and was eaten by carnivorous birds, triggering an evaluation of constellations, in general—none of which it turns out, look remotely, like the things they're supposed to look like.

And so the humans cried out to the gods, “What is with these sloppy a** constellations?” and the gods said, “Shut up, they're perfect, you're just butt hurt, because you've never seen Orion's actual belt or a really high quality dipper”. And the human said, “We think you're being defensive and we think any group of stars can be shaped like a belt or a square spoon,” and the God said, sarcastically, “Well, how would you like us to arrange the stars?” and the humans said “In a grid pattern with distinct labels,” and the gods said, “Okay, we'll get right on that.”

But they never did, because stars are just suns that are like a billion miles away, and the gods didn't create or control them. And when Mankind discovered this, they invented a bunch of things and eventually replaced the gods as rulers of the planet, but then they invented smartphones and the phones were so smart, the people got stupid and then Carrie Fisher died, and at that point, it all just sort of…I'm sorry I need a moment.

Anyway. That's why fall comes after summer.